


what could've been (but not everything lasts forever)

by serenehearts



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Jisung-centric, Kinda, Non-Idol, Other, it's not as sad as the bio makes it out to be, not super angsty though, or at least they used to be, the dreamies are friends
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-08
Updated: 2020-08-08
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:07:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,313
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25791088
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/serenehearts/pseuds/serenehearts
Summary: where jisung faces the tragedies of friendships that have fallen apart.
Comments: 3
Kudos: 16





	what could've been (but not everything lasts forever)

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first fic, so please enjoy! not really proofread, so i apologize for any mistakes :)

we don’t plan it. we never do. why would anyone plan to lose the people so close to them? i thought i had everything in my life already planned out. what college i would go to, what classes i’d take, where i would live. i had planned that i would live my entire life with them, and that our future children would be friends. but that was stupid of me. because things don’t always go as planned. 

i remember in 7th grade, we had to read a few poems by Robert Frost. i didn’t really understand them back then. i even remember us joking around about all the fancy vocabulary. there’s one poem in particular, that i remember being so genuinely confused by: Nothing Gold Can Stay. I was confused by one of the lines, “Nature’s first green is gold, her hardest hue to hold.” I had forgotten about that poem until my final year of high school. and around that time, i finally learned the meaning of it. i’m sure thirteen year old me wouldn’t be too happy if he knew what had to have happened for me to finally understand the poem.

Robert Frost once said, “Nothing Gold Can Stay,” and you guys? 

well, you definitely didn’t stay. 

i knew things were going to change once mark graduated. what i didn’t expect was for things to change this much. i understood that with college came more responsibilities, more work, less freetime, different priorities. all of us understood that. we made things work at first. but slowly, it became painfully obvious that mark just didn’t want to be with us. we had stopped forcing him to come places with us, and we stopped receiving texts from him too. i was never mad at him. but i knew donghyuck was getting tired of it. they had an argument, i never bothered to get the details but i knew the jist. mark was always busy, and it didn’t seem like he was making time for us or putting in any effort. the two had a falling out, and speaking mark’s name at school became taboo. 

i’m sure each one of us tried to keep in touch with mark. i know i did. i’d ask him how his day was, what he did, how he was. getting those responses from him made me feel less hopeless about our friendship. but the school year went on, and it took longer for mark to respond, until finally, i stopped getting responses from him. i hated to think that he may have forgotten me, and i tried to come up with explanations.

but the harsh truth was that mark lee forgot me. 

when donghyuck, jaemin, jeno and renjun were in their senior year, i knew they were scared. scared of growing up, gaining more responsibilities, having to leave the shelter of highschool and enter the real world. maybe even afraid of what would happen to their close relationships, their friends, us. i’m sure they were scared that what happened with mark would happen again. they grew wary. i don’t blame them for it. four of us were going to leave that year, and no friendship would have withstood that.

the graduation ceremony was a bittersweet event. the summer before they left for college was even more bittersweet. i mean, sure, we made some awesome memories. they weren’t with mark, but they were memorable nonetheless. but we all knew we had a time limit. that’s what made the summer so bittersweet.

chenle was in his senior year, and though things seemed normal on the outside, it was clear to both of us that it just wasn’t the same. we were best friends, and we stuck by each other through everything, but change is persistent. and it won’t stop until its’ desired effects have come to present.

so, when chenle graduated, i knew it was more than just saying goodbye to a friend. it was saying goodbye to a chapter of my life. one whose existence would impact me even after its completion. 

my senior year was far from fun. i spent my lunches reminiscing about all the banter the seven of us used to share. classes become unbearable when you have nothing to look forward to at the end of the day. and sure, i hung out with my classmates, but it wasn’t the same. and even back then, i knew it was never going to be the same.

to me, it seemed like everyone else had already moved on. mark had found a group of older students that adored him. renjun hung out with a group of other chinese students. jeno was the model student who was at the top of his classes. jaemin was adored by everyone on campus. chenle had found his own group of people who shared the same interests. and donghyuck was pretty popular and well known. i was the only one struggling to find my place, a group, or something that made me happy. it terrifies me to think that i’ll never be able to move on.

i often wonder where i went wrong. where we went wrong. how i went from being surrounded by the boys i grew up with, to being all alone. i hate to think that maybe i cared more about the friendship when it was ending than the others did. that maybe i put in more effort. that i was the only one hurt when it ended for good. call me cruel, but a part of me hopes that they’re going through this pain as well. i know it wasn’t necessarily any of our faults. and that we were ripped away from each other because of change. but it’s easier to blame someone. because sometimes, the heart won’t accept what the brain knows.

there’s this crushing realization that, no matter how long you’ve known someone, it doesn’t always work out. so maybe that’s why, i’m sitting here like a complete fool, feeling like shit because i lost my forever boys. maybe that’s why i’m sitting on this swing at the park we used to hang out at, wishing i could rewrite the past and change the ending. i guess that’s what fucking sucks about change. sometimes we need it, other times it just screws us over. there is something just so frustrating about knowing that i once had everything i could have ever asked for. and now, i don’t. i don’t get to call them my forever boys. or go hang out at that abandoned parking lot with them. i'll never receive notifications from our group chat. god, i wish things hadn’t changed. 

but pain is like a loan. and no matter what we do, we can never pay back the debt.

i know that at some point, i will move on. they’ll become people that i used to know. the memories will become cool stories i’ll get to tell my kids. maybe even a life lesson i’ll get to share. but it’s weird. because i want to move on from the hurt, but the thought of forgetting what they were like, or them becoming blurry faces terrifies me. because i really don’t want to forget them.

and the worst part? not knowing how they feel. what if i’m seriously the only one stuck in the past? and it’s not like i could even say something like i wish i hadn’t met them. because i’d just be lying. there is not a single cell in my body that would ever wish to live a life where i had never known them. i don’t get the luxury to feel hatred towards them. because i loved them. 

but that’s the past. and i need to move on. but until then, i’ll be here. attached to what i was once had, and what i will never be able to have again.


End file.
